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Who is That Person with Whom You are Living?

By:  Donna Martin

How well you do you know your spouse?  Recently in our Bible Study Class we played a short version of “The Newly Wed” game.  Ironically, the couple that had been married the least amount of time won the game!  I am ashamed to say Mike and I came in last place due to a question about which direction the toilet paper is placed on its holder!  In our defense, we use separate bathrooms.

Recently in my reading I have come across some interesting information about getting to know your spouse.  In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas states that many of the problems people experience in marriage are due to that fact that men and women are different and this causes them to respond to situations in different ways.   For instance, a woman might be brought to tears about something that would never make a man cry.  Spouses often get frustrated or angry over something that their spouse does because they do not understand the reason behind their actions.

An article about communication stated that couples often feel misunderstood.  This is due to the fact that over time couples just assume they know each other.  When people first begin to date they ask each other questions.  They try to find out all about each other so that they know what makes the other person happy or sad or afraid.  They want to do all they can to get to know each other.  Sadly, after they marry couples gradually stop taking the effort to really get to know each other.  They settle into a routine and assume things about each other that are not really true.  Also, people and situations change over time, so a spouse of 15 or 20 years many have changed their ideas or behaviors over time.

There was a story about a couple who had been married for 17 years.  Each year the wife always made her husband a homemade cake for his birthday.  After 17 years of marriage he asked her if she would mind giving him a cake from the bakery.  She felt better after he explained his reasoning.  He told her that he appreciated her effort, and the cakes she made were always delicious; but when he was growing up his mother always made him a homemade birthday cake.  He always wished that he could have a cake that was made at the bakery.  She laughed and told him the reason that she always made him a birthday cake was because when she was growing up her mother always bought her a cake from the bakery and she always wished she could have a homemade cake.  She gladly agreed to give her husband a cake from the bakery.

How well do you know your spouse?   I was thinking about this, so I tried to think of things that I did not know about Mike.   I have always assumed that he is brave and was not really afraid of anything, so I asked him what he feared.  His answer surprised me.

Try to take a break from the craziness of your life and spend some time alone with your spouse.  Ask questions as if you had just met and take the effort to reconnect and get to know each other.  You may be surprised at what you learn.

 Are you and your spouse speaking the same "Love Language"?
  Find out by reading The Five Love Languages.

Order your copy by clicking below on "Shop Now".


The Martins currently present “Happy Together” Marriage Enrichment Events for churches and organizations.  To schedule an event call Michael at 940-735-1515. They are certified “Prepare/Enrich” Facilitators and are available to work with couples on an individual basis using the “Prepare/Enrich Assessment.”  They publish a weekly “Happy Together” Blog about family and marriage issues.  You can order copies of their new books Dancing With Death and 366 Tidbits We Have Learned in 14,610 Days of Marriage, read, and subscribe to their “Happy Together” Blog by logging onto the Martin’s website at

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